Pancakes || Eli
“Okay,” Clare nodded as he said he needed to lie down. She watched him get up, and make his way to the bedroom. She wasn’t so sure how she would get up now. It would probably be hard to do, considering she was pregnant. She heard her name being called throughout the apartment, and she tried to get up. “I’ll be there, Eli!” She called back, and she noticed that he had started to panic - thinking that he had lost her or something. Finally, she got up from the ground - and she was confused by how she managed that one task, and made her way to the bedroom. She saw Eli hiding under the bed sheets, and she sighed quietly. “Eli, I’m right here, okay?” She made her way over to the bed, sitting down next to Eli - even though he was under the covers. “I promise you that everything is okay, just come out from under there.” She reached for the covers, but she wasn’t so sure if she should disturb him or not. Maybe he wanted to hide - and if he did, she’d let him. She placed her hand on his back once again from over the covers, and hoped he would calm down - and believe her when she told him that everything would be okay, and there was nothing to worry about. “Would you like to come out now?”
Pancakes || Eli
She had laid a hand on him and he shrieked and moved away. “No! No! I don’t want to hurt you, get back, get back!” he shouted, and he wasn’t trying to sound scary - though it probably did - or mean, but he wanted to make sure he wouldn’t hurt Clare during this episode, as he usually would. There was always some way that she would end up crying and in fear of the monster. “I’m sorry I…I don’t want to…I mean, I do want too - I wan’t to finish your song I…I…” he closed his eyes and counted to ten, as his therapist had taught him to do once. He took in a deep breath. “One…Two…Three…” he began, his irregular breathing calming down slowly. He was so incredibly embarrassed already, being a schizophrenic mess in front of Clare was the absolute worst feeling in the entire world, but he somehow lived through it. So did she, somehow. “Eight…Nine…Ten.” he whispered, and when he opened his eyes, things weren’t any better, in fact they were worse. “Ah!” he yelled, seeing what looked like bugs flying around in front of him. Of course, they werent really there, but to him - they were. Eli’s arms tried to bat away the imaginary bugs flying around in front of his face. “Help me! They’re everywhere! They’re everywhere!” he cried, closing his eyes again as buzzing sounds took over his ears and he scrunched into a ball on the ground.
Pancakes || Eli
It felt like his brain was going insane, and it was all kicking in again, the bad schizophrenic disorder that fucked with him so many times. He blinked a few times as he got up from his spot kissing Clare’s neck. He really couldn’t get a firm grasp on reality at the moment, and his head hurt just trying to process everything. He somehow stumbled into the bedroom, into the closet to pick up his guitar, and he went back to the kitchen, his head in a blur. This was bad, and he didn’t like it. He sat against the dishwasher across from Clare and strummed a few chords to get himself started, and he could feel beads of nervous sweat dripping all over him. “Okay.” he said quietly, as his hands started to shake. Why were they shaking? ” T-take me somewhere nice.” he stuttered, trying to begin the song he was going to sing. ” To some tired island in your heart called paradise. Though we wander home, we both feel alone, like escapees with nowhere to go. I can think of a thousand ways to get good and lost beyond these hopeless days. Where we’ll rendezvous out of the blue, and take a deep breath, just we two.” At this point he was so nervous he was afraid he might almost throw up right then and there, and before he knew it, he had started hyperventilating in the middle of his song. He dropped his guitar into his lap, the strings making a bit of noise as he did so. “I-I’m sorry. I should have f-finished. I-I…” he looked around the kitchen and started almost laughing at the room around him. “What’s happening? What’s happening to me? I’m a mental patient!”
Eli went off into the bedroom to get his guitar, and Clare moved around on the floor, making an attempt to get comfortable. When he came back, she gave him a small smile, and watched him as he sat down next to her. He began strumming the guitar, and something didn’t seem right…His hands were shaking. This wasn’t like him at all. He was usually so confident when he sang to her, and this was definitely not good. She listened as he sang. He sounded good, like always, but he was stuttering…everything just was not right, and Clare could tell that something was wrong. When he dropped the guitar in his lap, Clare began to feel scared for him. She wasn’t sure what was happening, but it wasn’t good. “Eli?” She asked, her voice soft. “No, it’s fine.” She tried to assure him that everything would be all right, but suddenly, he started to yell. “What’s happening? What’s happening to me? I’m a mental patient!” It was now obvious that he was having another one of his episodes. They always scared Clare, really, but she always tried her absolute best to calm him down, and it worked most of the time. She moved closer to him, gently touching his shoulder. “Eli, calm down.” She whispered, looking directly at him. She wondered if she had caused this, and she probably did. “Everything is all right, Eli. Everything is fine.”
Pancakes || Eli
Eli felt he lips against his shaggy black hair and it felt like an angel had touched him, really. He looked up slightly, seeing her right beside him, and his wide eyes stared deeply into hers. “Promise? Because I love you too.” he said, reaching towards her and pulling her up close to him. “I’m sorry I’m such an ass, Clare. You deserve better, but I love you so much, please don’t ever leave. I don’t know what I’m thinking.” he said quietly, as he closed his eyes and pictured the moment. He was so mixed up about everything, going from moments of loving and taking care of her, to moments of not liking her, and then back to being so fucking head over heels for her it probably wasn’t healthy. “Want me to play you a song, or something?” he asked, nuzzling his head into her neck, feeling the softness of the towel she had around her hair and her skin clash agaisnt him. “I haven’t played you a love song in a while, let me make it up to you.” he said, placing gentle kisses against her neck. Was this wrong of him to change moods so quickly? Should he have been more considerate of what was going on and apoloize for what he had said? No matter, though, because the thought didn’t even pass his mind. “I fucking love you.” he said on her skin.
Clare felt Eli pulling her close to him, and in startled her. When he began talking about how much he loved her, it confused her. Only a moment ago, he was saying how he didn’t like her, and now? It was almost as if everything had changed. She couldn’t understand it, and she still felt like crying over everything that just happened. She heard him offer to play her a song, and she didn’t even want him to. She didn’t want him to sing some lie for her. It wasn’t a good idea, it really wasn’t. She felt his face on her neck and she let out a sigh. There was really nothing he could do to make it up to her, and she didn’t want him to try and do that. She almost gasped when she felt his lips pressing against the skin of her neck, over and over again. She wanted him to stop. She wasn’t liking these mixed emotions she was getting from him. Hate one minute, love the other minute - it just didn’t seem right. Nothing seemed right. “I fucking love you.” She had nothing to say, so she just reached her hand up to his hair, and continued running her fingers through his hair. When she felt his lips against her neck again, she back away a little, letting his head move away from her neck. “Maybe you should play me a song.” She said to him, looking at him while she put a fake smile on her face. “Could you?”
Pancakes || Eli
Clare was surprised to see Eli’s method of telling himself not to smoke. She was proud, really, that he would stop smoking because she didn’t like it. He didn’t even have to quit. He could have smoked every day if he wanted to, but he didn’t, and that made Clare feel like she was actually doing something right. “It’s me, not you. I’m just too messed up to bring out the good things in you, okay?” Clare knew this was most likely true, but she didn’t say anything about it. Instead, she watched as Eli slid down against the fridge, looking almost miserable. She didn’t want to see him like this - she loved him. Even if he didn’t love her like she loved him, she knew she would still love him, probably forever - if such a thing existed. “God, Eli. You’re not a waste of space.” She rolled her eyes. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” She whispered, walking over to him. She couldn’t stand to see him like this - it hurt her. She got down on her knees right next to him, which was hard because of her big belly, but she managed to do so. She looked at him, wondering what she could do to fix this - to fix them. There was probably nothing she could do, but she still wanted to try. She leaned down a little and kissed his head. “I love you,” She whispered, sitting on her heels and waiting for a response from him. She reached her hand out and softly touched his hand, waiting for something from him.
Pancakes || Eli
He could see in her eyes that her anxiety level was blowing through the roof, that inside she was blowing up, freaking out, about to explode. His tongue messed with his lip piercing nervously and as she moved closer to him, and took his wrist in her hand - his heart beat faster. “Eli,” she said quietly, looking him in the eyes which made his stomach drop. Whatever she was about to say, he knew wouldn’t be good. He was so nervous that whatever she was going to ask was going to be something completely horrifying and ruin them completely - especially if he had the wrong answer for her. “Are you still in love with me?” she asked, and he was afraid he was going to throw up again. Eli stared down at her, his eyes scanning over her, from head to toe. His heart was heavy and to be honest he didn’t know the answer. There were times when he was so head over heels in love with her, the very thought of being apart was heart breaking. Then there were the times where he just wanted to practically kick her out of the apartment so he could do his own things, smoke, fuck everyone in sight, and just live life the way he wanted too. “Honestly?” he asked, beginning to shake his head saying no. “Yes.” he told her, and as he looked over at the television, he could hear John Bender doing the exact same thing, only opposite. “I just…I know I still love you, I’ll always love you. I just don’t know particularly if I like you.” he told her. He knew there was some sort of difference about whether he liked her and whether he loved her. You had to like someone to love them, but…what was it, exactly that made him dislike her so much sometimes? He really couldn’t tell completely why he felt that way towards her. He disliked her less than he loved her, of course - but it was all so messed up.
Clare waited for an answer, and her heart was beating so loudly. She knew she was on the brink of an anxiety attack - something that she had been trying to avoid for the longest time now. She heard Eli telling her yes, he did love her, but she didn’t think he was being completely honest with her. And what she heard next practically broke her heart. “I just don’t know particularly if I like you.” Clare felt her heart stop for a moment. If he didn’t even like her, well, there was no way he could love her either, right? She never thought he would say such a thing, and she didn’t even know what she had done to make him feel this way about her. “Oh.” She whispered, letting go of his arm, as she backed away from him. “Well, that’s just great.” She said quietly to herself, and she felt a warm tear roll down her face. She quickly turned around, so Eli wouldn’t have to see her tears. She wiped them all away, though, but she still kept her back to him. She felt sick, and if she looked at him, she’d probably puke. “What’d I do wrong, then?” She asked, absolutely no emotion in her voice. No hint of sadness, anger, disappointment - nothing. Even though she was feeling every single one of those horrid emotions, she wasn’t going to let it show. But she could feel herself building up with emotions, and her heart began beating faster and faster. “You know what, I really don’t want to know. Because once you tell me what I’m doing wrong I’ll just hate myself for more reasons, and we don’t want that, do we?” She made sure all the tears were off of her face, before she turned around and faced Eli once again. “Unless you’d like that, then go ahead, tell me.”
Pancakes || Eli
Eli shook his head when she tried to protest that she was cold. Her lips didn’t feel or taste like the warm, innocent, delicate lips he always knew - they felt like a blank sheet of glass, as if something was coming between the two. It was either that…or Eli had felt absolutely nothing when they had kissed. The sparks, the butterflies, the everything about them…must have been gone. Was he too dull and idiotic to realize that the two were falling out of love? The look on Clare’s face appeared to be complete and utter horror, which baffled him a little. What on earth was that curly haired whirlwind of destruction thinking about now? She stuttered, words and half sentences pouring from her lips and Eli narrowed his eyes at her in confusion. He couldn’t understand a word she was saying, it was almost as if she was blubbering it, and tears were going to pour down her eyes just as much as the words were pouring from her lips. “Clare are you -” but before he could finish a sentence she had sprung up from her spot on the chair and walked quickly towards him, grasping cheeks in her hands and pulling his face towards hers. Their lips were soon enveloped in a deep passionate kiss that Eli couldn’t understand. What was she trying to do? Eli almost pushed her off of him and stumbled back, his back hitting against the stainless steal fridge. “What are you doing?!” he said loudly, throwing his hands up into the air. But then he realized it. It had hit him then, as he brought his fingers up to his lips that he hadn’t felt it. No spark. A deep, passionate, romantic kiss like that should have hit him with pleasure, lust, love…all those things that it usually would but he felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. There was something wrong - really wrong between them now and he was feeling rather sick to his stomach about the whole thing. “Did you…” he started, biting the inside of his mouth as he spoke. “Did you feel anything?” he asked rather bluntly about the situation and swallowed hard. “Because I…I…” he looked away, unable to finish speaking to her. He couldn’t. Really, he couldn’t.
Clare felt Eli push her away, separating the two of them, and that hurt Clare more than words could ever explain. And when he yelled at her, asking her what she was doing, it was almost as if he was treating her like a stranger, and she felt her heart sink into her stomach. Tears were building up in her eyes, and as much as she didn’t want to cry, she knew she would be crying any minute - but she had a reason to. “Did you feel anything?” With those words, Clare knew everything was going downhill. She knew Eli felt absolutely nothing from their kiss, and she honestly felt like crap. She didn’t feel anything - only because Eli didn’t feel anything. It felt as if he didn’t want to kiss her, like she was someone he never wanted to kiss. “You didn’t feel anything?” She asked, her voice in a low whisper. “You…you didn’t feel anything.” She whispered once again, but this time it was more of a statement. “This can’t be happening.” She shook her head, looking at Eli. What if the two of them were actually falling out of love - what would happen? Would they stay together, and pretend like they still loved each other dearly? Would they part ways, and forget about each other’s existence? It was hard to think about, but these were possibilities. She thought that they would be happy together, and be in love forever. But now, everything was changing. Eli was falling out of love with her, and there was no hiding it. She rubbed the tears out of her eyes before they could roll down her cheeks, and she walked up to Eli. She gently grabbed his arm in her hand, and looked at his wrist - looking at the heart she had put there only minutes ago. “Eli,” She said quietly, looking into his eyes. “Are you still in love with me?”
Pancakes || Eli
It was an understatement to say Eli wasn’t worried about what Clare was thinking about. It was probably something that wouldn’t make him too happy, because whatever Clare ever thought about seemed to piss him off really. But he always asked her anyways. “I’m thinking about how I want you to be happy, and how bad I feel about not letting you go to college. I’m really sorry.” Eli shrugged a little as she reached for his arm and began to draw what looked like a small heart on his wrist as if it was a tattoo. He was glad it wasn’t a real tattoo, because, a heart? Really? If he were to get something again it would be more symbolistic than a stupid little heart on his wrist. Eli shifted slightly, causing the pen to move and the small heart she was drawing to smear on his hand. He swallowed slowly and looked up at her apologetically. “Sorry.” he said softly as he ran a hand through his hair. The two of them were slowly falling apart and he could tell, but he’d do everything in his power to keep them together, as much of a screw up was he was. He quickly leaned in and stole a kiss from the girl and bit his lip. She seemed cold, for some reason. Like bringing up college had ruined the evening for them. He could tell she wasn’t angry, or unhappy, maybe guilty - but there had to be some other reason she seemed so upset by the feeling of her lips. “You’re cold.” he said bluntly, reaching his hand out towards her, and gently taking her lips in his thumb and feeling her soft pink lips. Cold as well. “Why are you cold?” he asked softly.
Eli had moved his arm a little, causing the marker to move a bit, which caused the little drawing of the heart to mess up almost completely. She starred down at the now semi messed up drawing, and bit her lip. It was almost as if this was a sign, so she thought - or maybe she was merely over thinking. “It’s okay,” She whispered, taking the marker away from his skin and putting it elsewhere. Before she could even say anything else, she felt his lips being pressed against hers, and he quickly pulled away. She felt as if something was wrong, though. She couldn’t put her finger on it, but something between them didn’t feel so normal. Eli stated that she was cold, and she instantly looked up at him. “What?” She asked, confused, her voice soft. She was confused - what did Eli mean? Where was he going with all of this? She had no idea, and that scared her. Suddenly, she felt his thumb grazing her lip, and she whimpered quietly, hoping that he wouldn’t hear her. She didn’t want him to know that she was on the verge of tears. She was so close to breaking down and crying - but she couldn’t, and she wouldn’t. “I’m…cold?” She asked, eyeing him confusedly. “I don’t think…I’m…” Speaking was hard for her to do at this point, and she wasn’t sure why. It took her a few moments to assure herself that everything was fine, and that she wasn’t going to start sobbing before Eli’s eyes. “I’m not cold.” She shook her head, looking up at him, then down at the drawing on her own arm. It was so lovely to her, really, and if she ever considered getting a tattoo - well, she’d want it exactly as Eli had drew it on her skin. Her eyes then wandered to the heart on his wrist, but all she could see was how messed up it became, even though she had tried to make it perfect. And suddenly, she started thinking…what if that’s what was really happening? What if their relationship was just like that drawing on Eli’s skin - messed up, and even though they were both trying their best to make it perfect…it just didn’t turn out that way. “Oh my God,” She whispered to herself, and she was sure it was inaudible to Eli - because she couldn’t even hear herself speak. “Eli?” She asked, looking up at him again. “Do you…?” She didn’t want to say it. “Are you…?” She didn’t want to ask him right then and there if he still loved her - she wasn’t going to do it. Instead, she got up from her seat and walked over to where Eli was standing. It took her a bit effort, but she made it, and she ended up standing directly in front of him. Then, brought her hand to the side of his face so she was cupping it. She wasted no time bringing their faces together, and crashing their lips together - and she quickly tried to deepen the kiss.
Pancakes || Eli
There was a dead silence between them once they had started eating. It hurt him even more because the food tasted divine even though it was slightly overcooked. He picked through it, mostly, as for some reason he felt a little unhappy…and definitely not in the mood to eat anymore. He assumed neither of them did. After awkward time had passed, the two both seemed finished with the breakfast treat he had whippe together, so Eli began to do the dishes like he usually would for her. Washing off the dishes, putting them in the dishwasher, and cleaning off the counter of anything gross and dirty. He was so nervous about Clare becoming sick it was almsot annoying. “No, you’re a gunius because you can’t make a lamp.” The Breakfast Club spoke softly from the television. They had forgotten to turn it off before her bath. Clare sat there, her eyes almost fixated on it as Eli shuffled through one of the drawers, taking out a black sharpie and going bak to her. Before he brought the tip of the pen to her soft skin, he took in a large sniff of it, his brain getting a bit of a high from it. He then took the tip and began to draw on her skin - what looked like a sun and a moon combined into one, or what looked like half a sunx and half of a moon. He figured she would understand, or like his drawing at least. But still neither of them had spoken, which made him squirm a little at the lack of speech between them. “How are you?” he asked, but quickly shook his head and reconsidered it. “That wa a stupid question, I already asked you it…I don’t know.” he pondered for a few moments something to aak the worried girl in front of him and then sighed. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.” he said, almost a bit of a demand as he told her.
It only took Clare about five minutes to finish the pancakes that Eli made for her, and Eli finished eating as well. She wasn’t really sure what she could say or do to make everything better - and to forget about the whole going to college situation. Letting out a somewhat loud sigh, she turned her attention to the movie playing on the screen, knowing exactly what was going to happen next within each second of the movie. While she tried to watch the movie, she heard Eli placing the dishes in the dishwasher, and cleaning the kitchen up a little. She was still trying to shake the feeling of guilt away, but it wouldn’t leave. Suddenly, she heard Eli move next to her, and she felt something against her skin. When she looked down, she noticed Eli drawing something on her arm in sharpie, and she didn’t even mind. It confused her a little, though. She kept her eyes on her own arm while he drew something she couldn’t make out, but once he was done, she studied the drawing a little harder. It was a moon and a sun, put together - half of a moon and half of a sun. It didn’t take her long to realize that this tiny work of art was based on the song Eli sang to her so many times - their song. When the moon fell in love with the sun, all was golden in the sky, all was golden when the day met the night. The song played throughout her head, in Eli’s voice, and a small smile found it’s way to her face - an actual smile. She still didn’t know what to say to him, though. Did he forget about what happened only minutes earlier? She hoped he did, but she knew he didn’t. “How are you?” That was a question the couldn’t really be answered. She was still tired, feeling full, and guilty - but happy at the same time. It was a weird feeling, and there was really no words to explain to Eli exactly how she was feeling - she couldn’t put it into words even if she tried. “Tell me what you’re thinking about.” She looked away from the drawing on her arm, which she had been staring at since Eli drew it, and looked up at him. “Um…” She shrugged, biting her lip for a quick second. “Nothing, really.” That wasn’t the truth. There was so much on her mind - good things, bad things - but she didn’t really want to be a bother and tell Eli what was going through her head. “I’m thinking about us,” She told him honestly, as she continued looking at him. “I’m thinking about how hard it’s going to be, raising our babies…” She looked down at the drawing on her skin once again. “I’m thinking about how I want you to be happy, and how bad I feel about not letting you go to college. I’m really sorry.” She gently ran a hand through her own hair. She reached out, took the sharpie away from his grasp, and gently pulled his arm towards her. She brought the tip of the sharpie to his skin, and began drawing the outline of a medium sized heart on his wrist. “I’m just,” She paused, concentrating on the heart she was drawing on the skin of his wrist. She wanted it to be perfect, and she really didn’t want to mess it up. “thinking about many things at once.” She began coloring in the heart, making it a solid color.
Pancakes || Eli
The papers had been hidden in a dresser drawer, as telling Clare about the colleges was going to be a fun surprise. He pulled them out and waltzed back into the room, in a sing-song sort of way, humming as he came back in. He placed the papers on the counter and looked up at Clare, only to be completely disappointed from the expression on her face. She hadn’t even spoken yet, and he knew he had done something wrong. She looked slightly horrifyed, a bit unseasy, and guilty all at the same time. He had done something definitely wrong. He knew his pancakes must have been burning to a crisp right now, but it really didn’t matter.“I don’t think it’s…a good idea for you to go to college. I won’t be able to raise these kids by myself, and if you go away to college…everything would be too complicated.” she said, and his heart fell to his stomach. Almost as if she had practically crushed the poor boys dreams. His giddy, cheerful eyes and mouth had fallen to utter rejection. “Oh.” he said quietly, but he didn’t take his eyes off of her. “Oh.” he spoke again, taking in a shaky breath. ‘Oh’ was all he could think to utter. No journalism, no acting, no music school, cooking school -all his dreams were practically going down the drain as he stared at her, and truthfully he had begun to regret every move he ever made beside Clare Edwards because of her statement. “I’m sorry but it can’t happen.” There. She had sealed the deal. College was now completely out of the question. There would be no more dreams of anything in his career. He’d be stuck in a dead-beat job for the rest of his life, coming home to a miserable wife and two children. “Thats…” he started. Eli was too afraid to disappoint her, and to lash out and fight back might have made it worse. “Thats fine.” he said, taking the pieces of paper in his hands and beginning to rip them all down the middle. “Its totally fine, more Clare and Eli time.” A small, fake smile as on his lips, and he put the papers into the trash can, and began to take their pancakes (which were a little extra brown) off he stove and put them onto the plates with butter. “Eat up, sweetheart.” he said, giving her a chaste kiss as he put the plate in front of the two, with two knives beside them.
Clare looked Eli in the eyes, something she really didn’t want to do at the moment. She could see how disappointing he looked, just by looking into his eyes - and watching the smile fall from his face - and it made her feel uneasy. It made her feel as if she was holding him back from doing something that he really wanted to do…which actually was the case. Her eyes went wide as she watched his hands rip all of the papers right down the middle, and she felt like crying. But no, she couldn’t do that. “Its totally fine, more Clare and Eli time.” She could see how Eli was trying to mask his unhappiness; she could see straight through him. It wasn’t fine, and she knew he really didn’t want more Clare and Eli time - well, she thought that way. “Okay…” She whispered, looking down at her lap. When Eli placed the pancakes in front of her, she looked up at them. She wasn’t in the mood to eat at this point - her stomach was churning and she felt like she was going to throw up. But she knew she had to eat - she couldn’t continue her habit of not eating, it wouldn’t be a good idea. “Thank you,” She whispered, after he gave her lips a small peck, and she let a fake smile form on her lips - just like Eli had done only a few moments ago. She picked up her fork and her knife, and began cutting the pancakes into pieces - getting smaller and smaller with each cut. And when she finally though the pieces were small enough, she put the knife down, only held the fork in her hand, and put a piece of the pancake into her mouth. It was good, and she knew Eli did have a talent in the cooking area. She knew she was holding him back from doing something great, and she didn’t know if she could handle that thought.
